So here we go…

So with a bit of uncertainty and trepidation I’ve decided to bare my soul here, under a pseudonym no less, in the hopes of cathartically purging these seemingly random thoughts that have taken residence in this thing I call my mind.  I hope to simply express my thoughts and ideas and perhaps in doing so may at one point find something meaningful to say along the way. So here goes…

This year has been none other than, well, challenging to say the least. Last winter I found out that my wife of only a year and a half cheated on me with an ex-boyfriend of hers and now we’re in the process of getting a divorce. As a result, I ended up diving head first into my work and got burnt out in the process and ultimately quit my job. I’ve been searching for another since and have only managed to secure odd jobs here and there… and the present state of our economy obviously hasn’t helped. In any case, I’ve often thought how I should’ve handled this whole situation since a part of me kept thinking it was my fault that it happened to begin with. I kept thinking that if I had been a better this or that she would’ve never done what she did. Which by the way, was simply rendezvous and kiss her ex on several occasions for the course of a month’s time… which is also the dilemma I’ve had to face this past year since according to divorce laws isn’t considered cheating. Can you believe that? Maybe I’m old fashioned or something, though I don’t really know nor even care to classify myself in terms as such. All I know is that when the story unfolded of her and her ex several things became apparent. Much of which I had an idea existed but was perhaps too blind to admit. In any case, I’ve had to digest all of this as best I could and all the while I’ve felt a heavy burden of guilt and shame since as a man I keep wondering where I went wrong. I worked my ass off and never went out partying with friends. I tried the best I could to my knowledge to be a good husband since after all it was my first attempt at being a husband to begin with. According to her though I didn’t take care of her enough and what really pained me was that she never told me or even expressed her needs to me until AFTER she had gone out with her ex. That’s been the struggle I’ve had to face because under different circumstances I might understand her actions if she and I had gone back and forth exchanging our grievances but because out of the blue she went ahead and became intimate with someone else without even trying to talk to me I’ve felt a great deal of pain and regret, not to mention a deep sense of doubt, namely in myself for my judgment altogether.. after all, I picked her to be my wife. Indeed I said that it’s been a challenging year but the reality is that it could always be worse. So, I’m holding on to each day as if it were my last… now all I have to do is shake this feeling that resembles depression and get my ass in gear to find another job so I can make enough money to find someone else and do this all over again… or something like that. And yet such is life.

Here we go again…